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I’m a special kind of dirtbag. Like an overly sentient dirtbag. Like, maybe if I was really honest with myself I’d admit that I’m not a dirtbag, but fuck you anyway because I feel like one. And I’ve done some shady shit. Smoked weed in your mom’s closet and then said, “I don’t smell anything. Are you sure?” Swigged off a whiskey teat while driving down the highway. Goddamn lucky I didn’t turn myself or anyone else to meat.
Throw myself down the stairs on purpose? Neat. Did that. But it was for your film. Said it didn’t record, so I did it again. I wonder if that was true? I was a fifth and a half in. Plus beers, but we don’t really count the beers, do we? Beer is like having sex in a canoe. It’s fucking close to water. And I ripped that off from a Sedaris story, but I don’t think he made it up. So, blah. Saw him read. He recommended everyone buy a lesser known author’s book. It was punk rock. Fucking great book, too.
What I’m saying is that we’re basically best friends, me and Sedaris. Old bastard. I love him. He loves me. He wants you to buy all my books and then go fuck yourself. He told me.
I snorted a FUCKTON of minithins. It don’t get much more dirtbag that that. Crush 'em up and and get wired with a weird feeling scalp!
I snorted ALEVE once. Cause you do weird shit when you’re on drugs. That hurt like the fires of hell in my face. That was the worst pain I have ever experienced. Lasted for about 45 minutes. I should not have done it. My friends enjoyed it though.
Kids in juvie snort sugar when they’re jonesin’ – which ain’t such a bad look. Not as fun as coke, but it tastes a whole lot better. Coke tastes like crushed up aspirin. You get to where you “like” it because you associate it with the feeling, but it doesn’t taste good. Not like sugar, sugar.
I’m an OG dirtbag, too. My friend Sean and I used to cut up hollow reeds that grew by our house and smoke them when we didn’t have cigarettes. Guaranteed that was a bad call. That one may come back to bite me. Might not.
Smoked crack. Smoked dust. Heroin scared me. Acid opened up a lot of shit – good and bad. Same with mushrooms, peyote, ketamine, DXM, MDMA, crystal, opium, caffeine, nicotine, chocolate and sex. Dirtbag shit. Packing your gums with chewing tobacco – a whole can – and laying back looking at the stars. Tripping. Dirtbag shit.
So don’t come around here with your holier than thou bullshit. Your dogged doggerel nonsense. Your slander and recriminations. I did a lot of shit that you probably think I should be ashamed of. I’m not. I’m ashamed of two things. Killing a bird. And cutting a short line for a friend when we were supposed to be sharing. That’s what made me stop doing coke.
And killing birds.