2 Minutes. Go!

The falling light dances briefly on the water ripples...dusk is coming, and the birds are singing their evening songs. Underneath the sounds that human ears can hear, there is a symphony. The plants give their final praises to the sun. Insects dig and feed. Back in the woods, the owl's head is slowly turning, and he is creating a landscape in his mind.

The moon will be shrouded in clouds tonight. There will be enough of a glow to walk without tripping, but there will be no light for hunting. This is good and bad. It's mostly bad, but it evens the playing field a little. 

Fires are started down in the valley, as the people prepare for the evening meal and singing. There are salmon being smoked by the edge of the camp. Women and children twist hemp fiber into rope. The dogs of the camp slink by in silence hoping for scraps of meat to drop, intentionally or not. They will not let anyone or anything endanger those in the camp.

When the fire dies down to coals, the people will sleep. When the sun and the day animals rise, they will rise also. They will drink from their water sacks and eat some of the soft fruits they have collected. 

This is how the day goes. And goes. And will always go.

Or at least how it was supposed to go.

2 Minutes. Go!

I tip my hat to the scrub jay; he's there every morning. Like the squirrels. Like the ravens. The mockingbirds don't want anything to do with me. And she won't give the other birds a moment's rest. The raven, the blue jays, or the squirrel. The mockingbird hates us all. But she makes some damn fine music. And musicians are fickle creatures. Trust me, I know. 

The osprey circles over the brackish water, and sometimes passes my apartment in transition. The white tailed kite loops lovely circles in the sky. I watch it sometimes, and it is easy to see how man made angels. Same way they made mermaids. A little romanticism and a lot of hope.

The Canada geese are loud and they have every right to be. We have ruined them. Like we ruined the pigeon. The geese honk their frustration to the heavens. I shoot a 'V' up with my fingers. A kind of apology. It's stupid, I know. I just want them to know that I know the way things should be. 

There are lizards and bugs and all kinds of skittery things in my backyard. A baby possum used to visit us. We tried to figure out what it liked to eat. It was cute and we loved him. He is old and ugly now. I still wish he would swing by.

The cats? Man, I have mixed feelings. I love cats. I love that they are fierce hunters. I just don't want them hunting in my yard. But still, I'm happy to see them. And if they killed a bird, I wouldn't be mad. Just sad. Which would be worse. I wouldn't judge. I too have killed a bird. I judge myself. 

I sit under the branches of the trees that shield my apartment from the sun. I can tell where we are in the moving tide by the smell. Low tide smells awful to some people. To me, it smells wholesome. Natural. It smells alive. My wife cares for succulents. We have a million in our yard. 

At any rate. That's what it's like in my backyard. I pass hours here, and the community means a lot to me. If any of this sounds intriguing, the price of admission is unsalted peanuts, still in the shell. 

2 Minutes. Go!

Papa's got a brand new bag. It's full of misery and self-reproach. It's stuffed with injustices he couldn't let go. The bag looks nice on the outside. On the inside, it is chaos. Not good chaos, either. Papa's bag is a shield, though ineffective. Papa's bag is like a rotten egg; it looks fine on the outside. You don't want any part of what hides beneath the protective shell.

Papa stopped hitting you when you reached his height. Papa spent too many hours at the firm, crunching numbers. Papa needs a few drinks when he gets home so he can settle down. So he can sleep. A few drinks for Papa is at least two bottles of wine. He doesn't drink it for the alcohol, just the sophistication. 

That's Papa's rationalization.

Papa cheated on Mama every chance he got. Like it was a sport. Mama knew, but she pretended she didn't, and she prayed there would be no babies to abort. This created dissonance. That made you stand on your back foot, always. There was always that low, electric hum.

Mama was a dancer. She doesn't dance anymore. She kills time any way she can. None of it helps her. She is treading water and trying to ignore the impending danger just beneath the surface. 

So, you feel things weird. Emotions don't run on tracks for you. They are constantly flying off the rails. You try to be made of something bulletproof, but you are just one large exposed nerve, throbbing. It doesn't make you special. There are papas and mammas like yours everywhere. Every state. Every country. Maybe on other planets.

And maybe, just maybe, you can break the cycle. And maybe that's enough. Or maybe that's just what you say because you're not old enough to buy wine. 

We don't tend to fall far from the trees that give us life. Family trees are always tricky, covered in thorns and blood. Maybe the best you can do is to try not to fall. 

2 Minutes. Go!

Quiet please. I need a moment. The air is thin. The light is too bright. There is just too much noise; I can't hear my thoughts. I don't even know if they're there. Just this rambling panic. Just this avuncular misery. I'm just going to keep breathing, keep my eyes open, just breathe until I can't anymore.

My heart is beating too fast. It sure seems like my heart is beating way too fast. Maybe I should go to the hospital - is this how people die? Trying to assure themselves they won't? How dumb would it be if I died trying to convince myself I was overreacting?

No one would know, though. They'd just find dead me. They wouldn't be able to see the panic or the questions. They wouldn't know the toll I paid. Hell, they might think I died peacefully. I can't have that. 

I guess I better not die. 

2 Minutes. Go!

Does it matter what I say? Not if you have paraffin in your ears. Not if you're talking too much to listen. Not if you're chewing and you can't concentrate. Maybe you can't walk and chew gum at the same time either. I am not here to judge you. I am here to shout into the wind, spittle-soaked, smiling.

What does it matter, anyway? Any of it. I am a blood stain washed out with vodka. You are a monument, and the shadow you cast provides shade for the small, woodland animals. I am railing against myself, but you are just in the back row of your own auditorium. 

Life is a sandbag. The rope slipping through drunk fingers. Your spine is about to be compacted.

Look motherfucker, I'm not saying I have the answers you need! I'm talking because people get nervous when I play with my feces. A man's got to do something. Pass me the soapbox and that orange traffic cone. I have a song to sing, and I'm gonna sing it all night long. It goes like this:

Fuck you, pay me.

2 Minutes. Go!

There's a haze over the city, and no one can see it but me. I see it the same way I see the emotions radiating off the people on the sidewalk. The same way I can see the thoughts of children. The same way I know how and when to stay away from dogs. 

Squinting your eyes can help you see, but, careful, don't close them. Then all you see is nothing. Or, on a sunny day, a reddish pink glow through the faltering lids.

The city is full of spinsters, hipsters, gangsters, and more. The city is an organism all its own. The city is hurt - I know this. No one else seems to notice. I FEEL it. 

I see the city writhing, crying in pain.

Fentanyl mornings in the Tenderloin. Meth-ed out evenings in the Mission. Drunks stumbling around North Beach. They are characters in the play, and I have so much love for them. I want to take them all home with me. I won't even enforce my puritan values. 

I will provide clean needles and alcohol wipes. 

The sun will break through the haze again. I have faith in this. My faith is misplaced, but it is all I have, and I will cling to it. It's a mid-week afternoon. People will die today. Today, people will be born. People will rot in jail and in cells of their own making. All this is natural. All this is fine. This is life, and life is not clean or easy. Especially not in the city.

Park your Tesla and take a walk. You have your freedom. Not everyone does. Take advantage of it. Revel in it. Smoke some crack or volunteer at a food bank. Get involved! The city will thank you someday. Or it won't. You won't be around to find out.

2 Minutes. Go!

It's sometimes pretty hard to see the forest for the trees. Or to feel proud and worthwhile when you can't get off your knees. It's tempting to throw it all into a big pile, scatter kerosene...wait for the inevitable explosion. It's harder to realize that the forest is strong and resilient, even if some of the trees are sick, weakened by avarice, and trafficking in greed. 

Metaphorical trees and forests can be a real bitch. 

It's easy to sit and complain. It's even easier to give up. There are a million ways to do it, and there are dozens of chemicals that can kick your 'give-up' right in the ass. You can make it seem like you are just doing what needs to be done, but not if you never think. Not if you never use your brain. Don't take the easy way out. Don't make those excuses for yourself.

Bitch, you need to look at the forest AND the trees. You need to take your blinders OFF. Think critically. Break out the old sniff test and see if shit checks. Like, if one of the trees tells you that it will fix the economy by crippling working people and enriching the wealthy... 

It's so damn tempting to look away. Don't do it. That's what they're counting on.

Look at the forest and the trees. Look at the flowers and bees. Hug the ones who love you and hold their feelings gently in your hands - that is everything. Lead with love. The world is a massive place filled with good, bad, and indifferent. Try to be one of the good trees. 

Your forest will appreciate it. And remember, forests are good places, even with the few, inevitable shitty trees. They are outnumbered by those who still grow.