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So, yeah. I got this monkey on my back and he won’t shut up. Flat out refuses. He just keeps telling me things I don’t want to hear. Stressing me out - day to day, year to year. I saw the best mind of my generation become craven with desperation and fear. Methadone don’t do what it’s supposed to do. Not really. Not if you’re banging black tar on top of it.
I love the monkey as much as I hate it. And part of me thinks: we tried to help – you didn’t want to be helped. And part of me thinks I should get into the car and start driving and not stop until I’m close enough to smack the shit out of you. You’ve been stuck in one posture so long, you’ll break if you try to move.
I get it.
Thing is; we had plans. And I know you didn’t bail on those plans on purpose, but I also know you bailed and the reason ain’t all that important. What’s important is that we had plans. You fucked those plans. And there but for the grace of God … Lord knows, I don’t believe in God, but I realize I got lucky. Doesn’t change the fact that I’m raising two beautiful daughters while waiting to get the phone call that one of the people I’ve loved most in the world is dead.
Why can’t you get it through your thick, fucking head. Brain shot? Get some backbone instead.
What you can’t do is doable. I know. I’ve been there. I’ve seen it too many times. You’re still living like you’re nineteen, but you got a forty year old’s body. Something is going to give sooner or later. I don’t know whether sooner or later would be better.
Keep standing in the rain. You’ll just get wetter.
And me? I’m gonna keep realizing I’m doing what I should be doing and hating myself for it. Remember that screenplay we were gonna write? I didn’t go anywhere. And part of me thinks I should call you up. Bolster your spirits. Get working. But I know you can’t get anywhere near it.
So, spin in circles. Try to pretend that the pose you wore in high school still fits. I’m not mad at you. Fuck that. I am mad at you. Furious. Because you didn’t let go. Hell, we were both curious. I’m mad because I love you and you wasted so much. Lost so much.
Sometimes, I try to blame myself for it. Doesn’t pan out though. Sometimes, I try to excuse it because of the things I know. That’s doesn’t do anyone any good.
You can be as hungry as you want. Can’t nobody feed you if your mouth is closed. If your mind is closed. If you still put up the same band flyers and wear the same clothes. You put your life on heroin pause, and that shit lasts a LONG time. Sometimes, the show stays paused until the TV dies.
It will break my heart. But it won’t be a surprise.
#2minutesgo Tweet it! Share it! Shout it from the top of the shack you live in! I will be out most of the day, but I'll be back...#2minutesgo Tweet it! Share it! Shout it from the top of the shack you live in! I will be out most of the day, but I'll be back...