I close my eyes and the blackness is tepid. Green blinking lights intrude, turning the ambient red into a schizophrenic obsolescence. This is the price I pay for having internet access. Goddamn lights. And it's never dark enough here. The neighbor's bathroom light antagonizes me. And I whine, I moan, I tumble in the covers and groan. I am surrounded by love, but feel all alone.
I want to punch my emo face to pieces. It's not just you. I annoy me, too.
I want to be one of those guys who doesn't give a shit, but I give a shit about so many things. And the glimpses of beauty I see - I wouldn't trade them for the world, but they are also a harsh reminder of ugliness. And I know, I don't know the half of it. Poor me. I'm going out to eat worms.
I remember when things were different. Because there is a way to make things dark as the bottom of an old country well. But it didn't turn out well. It was a carefree hell; I don't even have an adequate way of explaining it. So many rocks and hard places. I've used that line before, and I don't give a fuck.
Things are easier if you don't care, but it's hard not to. I know how to turn it off, but the tradeoffs aren't worth it. So, I lie in bed and my eyelids filter green and red and fluorescent nightmares.
But, fuck this.
Everyone has a hard life. At least everyone I know. So, I'm going to keep looking at the light. The sun. The flash of smile from the two best things I've ever introduced to the world. I'm going to try to wrap my brain around my thoughts so I can put them on paper. And we can all share the cost.
Light can kill darkness, but damn if the darkness isn't strong. It's like a constant gnawing pain. It's like being lost in a cold forest at night. You know there's nothing to worry about, but that doesn't calm the stomach. That doesn't stop me from thinking, holy shit, all my friends are suffering. I have no right. I have lots of wrong. It's been too long since I've written a song.
Life is a battle, and the enemy is different for everyone. For me, it's a fight for optimism in the face of cowardice. I am not a superhero. Hell, I'm not even the dorky disguise. I'm just a guy.
Tonight, I will cover the green lights and hope my neighbor snuffs her bathroom light early. I will hope that I don't clench my teeth all night, but I probably will. I will remember that life was easier when it was all one dark blur, but that it was a cop out. And that I missed out on a lot.
Life isn't supposed to be easy. It isn't supposed to be anything. It is what you make of it. And I'm getting out the glitter and glue. I'm going to paint a rainbow that includes every goddamn hue. And I'm going to try and smile when I see you. Shake your hand. Forget about light and dark for a while and just live in the dawn and twilight.
I will try to be the hawk waiting patiently on man's electrical tree. Rain or shine. I will sit vigilant. Waiting for the slightest movement. Glad that I don't have to kill. I will spread my arms and pretend at buteo silhouettes. I wanted to write a nice story, I swear. I have regrets.
Regardless, this is what you get.