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Hey MAGA, it's been a few months now. Not to count the years. Was it worth it? Did you get what you wanted? Does the country look like you want it to look, yet? It's different, that's for sure. There's a lot I can't wrap my mind around, but I will tell you what I SEE.

I see gas prices up. Food prices up. Services slashed. Safeguards obliterated. And that's the easy part.

I see people terrified. I see people losing hope. I see true patriots turning away from the ugliness. I see an ideal dying on the vine, and I blame all of them...the republicans, the democrats, the idiots who think they don't have to get involved. The morons who think politicians are supposed to be their super-buddies or mentors.

I saw two citizens shot dead in the streets. I saw people beaten and stolen and swept under the rug. I see migrants dying because they have been identified as something less than human, when, clearly, they are just as human as my ancestors who just happened to emigrate from a lighter-skinned place. 

I see a bunch of people willing to apologize for pedophile rapists.

I see the world turning away from us. 

I see Iranian propaganda that makes a whole lot of sense. 

I have watched journalism - something I once revered - be turned into state messaging and apologist excuses. Gotta sell that ad time, right? Gotta look out for your shareholders!

I thought we were looking out for each other in REAL ways. I thought we didn't want our neighbors targeted and harassed. I thought we wanted the American Experiment to mean something. I thought we wanted the world's "downtrodden" - I thought we were heroic like that. 

I see now that we are small and misinformed. I see that corruption sinks everything given time. I see that there are far more people than I thought who care only about themselves. 

I thought we had made some progress with the systemic racism. I didn't know it was a feature a bunch of y'all missed and mourned. 

I thought we wanted to be free...like y'all in Texas who are so free you can't smoke smoke a naturally -growing plant or get an abortion. 

I see that money is really the root of all evil, and it is killing us.

I see hypocrisy. Everywhere. 

And I hate it.

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I have this open wound that I keep rubbing salt in. Not sure why, exactly. Maybe I like the burn of it. Maybe it's just something to do. I worry it. Like a hangnail. Maybe it's simple masochism, but I don't think so. I think somewhere along the line I got the idea that I was supposed to keep rubbing the salt in... 

I wonder what would happen if I stopped?

The pain is old and worn out, but it used to be neon. Then, it came in primary colors. Now, it is pastel. Maybe if I am patient enough, the pain will turn clear. 

I'll be able to see through it. 

Maybe the pain is a security blanket. Maybe it's a shield. Maybe I need it, but maybe it needs me. 

There's only one way to find out, and that is to NOT give up. To keep going until I've made it make sense. 

I'll persevere...I'll overcome hardship like a real frontiersman. You can be my guide, and we'll get there together.

Pass the salt?

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When I was small, I believed in Fairy Tales. I was wrong, and I’m ashamed I was so naive. I believed that America was something special, despite its problems. My eyes are wide open now. 

I wonder what the Indians thought when their land was stolen. I bet they were sad to lose their home, but I bet they couldn't imagine that in a few hundred years it would be ruined, the forests gone, the buffalo massacred, the whole damn country stolen and stripped for parts to make the global elite richer. 

I wonder how that would have felt. Probably a lot worse.

I wonder what it feels like to be one of the powerful. Weak in body, corrupt in mind and spirit, but still able to assert dominance over regular folks because of some made up numbers they claim mean something. And those numbers, those dollars, do mean something. 

But only because we allow it. 

If we could bring back the displaced indigenous people, I wonder what they would do. Before their spirit and traditions were broken, they were as powerful as the sun. 

I wonder if they could even imagine that the white men, who came first in friendship (or the illusion of it), would slaughter them without conscience and say that is what their God wanted. I wonder if they could even imagine a God who would tell his people to act this way against other people. To steal their land, rape their women, and put them in schools where they have to relearn humanity, a foreign version of it with less heart and accountability. 

There was tribal warfare before the Europeans, sure, but no one was strip mining the hills so we would all have to fish in polluted streams. They weren't bent on genocide. They respected the land, and it repaid the respect.

The ones who fought back? They are buried in secret graveyards all over this country, but by all means, let’s talk about trans people and drag queens, because that’s what really matters.

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I saw your lips move, the shock cross your features, and then you broke, and crumbled inward. It was both horrifying and enlightening. I took it right to heart. I can tell you that much. I let it rattle around inside and, eventually, I let it dictate my behavior, but not right away.

You can't seem too eager.

I could see you trying to pull it all back. Wrap it up like a cast net. But I knew it was too late, and I think you knew it, too. 

Some things just are.

Now close your face and let the features settle. Maybe you can placate the rage that is building. Or maybe you'll just have to let this bottle rearrange your dental work. 

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Boy, sit down and listen. I won't say it twice. There are some things you need to understand; some rules you need to get hip to. I'm gonna hurt you, too, but not for joy. I'm gonna hurt you because pain is the best teacher, and you are one stupid motherfucker.

I don't want to hear your excuses or your rationale. We all got excuses for what it's worth, you're not special just because you think you have reasons.

Your God ain't gonna help you. You think God is stepping in for you when he lets kids get cancer? I don't believe in it one way or another, but you gotta admit - if he's out there, he is one sick motherfucker. 

More like a devil if you ask me.

Really? I think we all got angels and devils inside us. It's time you met the total package.

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For whatever reason, I grew up thinking that I was a bad person. I thought everyone around me was in on something I wasn't. I felt this way well into my thirties. Come to find out, I am basically a saint compared to the sick, twisted fucks who run this country.

I thought I was shady, but I have been honest about my flaws, my shortcomings. I have never tried to hide any of it, and I have NEVER hurt someone else just because I could or because they had something I wanted. 

I do not steal, and I don't think anyone should. I will also tell you the truth if you ask me a question. I'll tell you the truth even if you don't ask.

I didn't know how many people lie so easily. 

I grew up feeling guilty, but not knowing what I was guilty of. Now, I see that there are people everywhere who are predators, users, cheats and abusers. They don't feel guilt, and I just can't wrap my mind around that. It doesn't make any sense to me. 

I'm tired of this. Frankly, I just want off the ride. Tell the carnies. They don't even have to stop the cars, I'll jump out while they're moving. 

Anything to get away from these humans and their sick, sad "humanity."

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I'll try to explain it to my grandchildren...how we broke the unbreakable. How we took an ideal that the world respected and shit on it. How some people hated a few folks more than they loved everyone. I'll show them pictures of kids in ICE custody, and I'll ask them to wrap their minds around it if they can...how selfish misery can poison the communal well.

They'll have questions, and I'll tell them about their great-grandfathers signing up to fight the Nazis in WWII. I'll show them that history moves in cycles...I'll allow them to see what I have come to learn: People are selfish and small. Most people are just trying their best, but there are some who want to bend the universe to their will. Indulge their dark desires.

They will pass on. But the same philosophies will come to roost, again and again. 

I'll cry with my grandkids. I'll hold them as close as I can, and I will try to make sure they see reality...this is not about brown people, this is not about queer people. This isn't even about immigration. It is about the broken taking power, which they are very good at. 

Scruples can be a handicap. I've got tons of them. They make this thing called living pretty tricky, but I wouldn't change it for the world. 

I'll lend a hand to anyone, but I won't stick it up in the air like a fucking fascist for you or anyone else.

Fuck that.