Monday, September 17, 2012

Step right up!

I'm made of tin-foil. Recycled oil by-products. I'll make your teeth whiter. You'll be closer with your family. I come with a money-back guarantee. I'm organic. Free range. I'll make your laundry glow with half the soap.

I have special functions you won't believe. I am 100% hemp. I am 100% pro-choice, you choose it, and I will back you 100%. I am a brand you can count on. A family company. My great grandpa was a sharecropper and never touched a drop.

I will keep you warm in the winter and cool in the summer. I am everything you want for your vacation planning needs. I will restore your hairline to its former glory and make you feel like living again. If you feel like living, I'll make you feel like living longer.

I am the result of 34 years of research. I am not recommended for human consumption. But if you have consumption, I'll cure the shit out of it. Guaranteed.


  1. Well you've pretty well established what you are, now to haggle over price? :D

  2. Half the price of my competitors for twice the results my friend!

  3. Nice. I'm imagining this read by the guy who did the Joe Cafe trailer, behind fifties-type stock footage of factories and men with hats.

    1. That would be awesome, Laurie. I'm gonna see if I can make that happen.

  4. Replies
    1. It comes in every color including clear which is technically a lack of color, I guess.


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